New Years Eve has come and gone, and made me realise that this year I haven’t had my usual resolutions to kick off the New Year with!
I don’t know about you, but before I fell pregnant I enjoyed the odd glass of wine after a particularly stressful day at work, and at the weekend a G&T or 2 (or 3, okay okay, or 4!). So, like for a lot of us, it was quite a shock to the system being in a situation where I wasn’t allowed any more!
I also smoked, I know, horrible, especially with my history of unexplained infertility, I can feel the judging as you read, because I think exactly the same as you! However, addiction is addiction, and for me, having a drink and a cigarette were my ways to switch off and relax. If you are also a smoker or ex-smoker yourself you can probably relate to this easier than someone who has never smoked, who will likely find it very difficult to understand why we would do it to ourselves.
For me, stopping drinking was the easy bit, from 4.5 weeks pregnant, when little AJ was a mere sesame seed, not a a drop passed my lips, however it did take a couple of weeks to wean myself off the cigarettes. Some of you may have struggled the other way around, with both, or not at all. I think this is where the division of mums and mum-judgement really begins.
We all seem to place these superhuman standards on ourselves right from the offset, and plague ourselves with self-inflicted guilt – and worse still, we then aim those same destructive standards at other mums! Why do we do this to ourselves and each-other?! As I have already learnt in the last few months; being pregnant is hard enough, let alone actually having kids. Let’s show ourselves, and each-other, a bit more love and understanding. Not everyone is perfect, in-fact – no-one is, thankfully!
So yes, It took me a couple of weeks of cutting down, before “stopping” – but really, sneaking out the house to pop to the shop for some random, un-required item, so that I could sneak half a cigarette round the corner (followed by drowning myself in perfume and consuming half a packet of extra mints!) and finished off with a non stop berating of myself about the damage I could have done, how it was only 6 weeks in and I was already a terrible mother etc. Luckily, it only took a couple of weeks of this before I realised that the mental stress I was causing myself, and potential unknown damage to the baby, was not worth keeping the disgusting habit – which really I had wanted to stop for a while anyway.
Now, I am not saying it is okay to smoke (or drink, or whatever unhealthy vice it is for you) and that you shouldn’t feel guilty – that guilt is what made me stop, so I totally needed that and to feel that way, and I appreciate it for helping me stop. What I wanted to highlight though, is that you can’t just flick a switch and become a totally different person overnight.
Before you became pregnant you may have been the life a soul of every party, you may have been the one who always brought the nice wine to dinner, or the one who could drink 10 vodkas and still be standing, or always started everyone on the shots! You may have had a morning ritual of your coffee and cigarette to start the day, or that may have been a weekly catch up with your bestie, or it was just that 5 min quiet time where you could get out of the office / house and have a moment to yourself and to smoke in peace. Just because you see those 2 lines on your test stick, no matter how long you’ve been wishing for it, you don’t stop being you instantly.
So what I am saying is, yes, work on quitting those habits, and try to make healthier choices for you and your baby, but don’t beat yourself up too much, and don’t beat up other mums either – because trust me, they will be doing a good enough job of that themselves (of course there will be exceptions to this too, where there are some genuinely irresponsible people out there, but I am talking about the majority of us, who either have planned pregnancy, or once we find out, do want to be doing the right thing).
As long as you are trying, that is all that matters. Treat yourself and talk to yourself like you would your best friend. You wouldn’t be cruel or harsh on them , but you would be firm and fair, supportive whilst still encouraging them to do the right thing. If we can show ourselves more love and understanding it will be so much easier to support each other with less judgement. Us mums-to-be and mums have to stick together! Let’s build 1 community rather than hundreds of clans and clicks which fight against each other.
Love and peas,
Danni 🤰🏻
xxx
HapPea Family Blog 